The Campanile Hotel, Beauvais - Day Three

The room was just a smidgen larger than yesterday, a little more ‘open plan’, with tiny beds and half a bath!!! What is with this half a bath! I would have loved to have seen the Ox trying to lie down in his (or perhaps not!!) The room was really cold too. We had a poxy little convector heater to try and dry our wet stuff. Luckily it was only our shoes and gloves as we had saved all fresh and clean gear for the final push onto Paris tomorrow.

We had a bath, took photos of our dirty & wind burnt legs and then went to get some chocolate from the supermarket! Dinner wasn’t for a few hours so we thought sweet & savoury, chocolate & crisps! I had the brainwave of getting some newspaper to put in our shoes to help dry them out (good old trick from my Dad). So we headed back to the room for a chill out where Em discovered that she had her first puncture of the trip, but not content with a simple puncture, she’d split her tyre. There was a very small metal speed bump into the hotel car park and we think she did it on that! Luckily she’d bought a spare tyre as well as a tube and Jim set to work changing it. There was also no bike storage so we had to sleep with our bikes too. Not literally!

We eventually went to the restaurant, which doubled as the bar & reception and had a few beers with the boys, we did have a laugh, especially about Ox’s brother in Gibraltar!! Then we ate; the starter was great it was a buffet, but the main course was a chicken portion with gravy and a pile of spaghetti!!! Odd!!!! Still, it was hot and tasty. The dessert escapes me at the moment. We had another beer and then retired to our shoebox, oops sorry, room where I phoned Nigel to see if they were in France, (Mum, Jo & Nigel are meeting us at the finish) and then went to bed. It’s a big day tomorrow!!! And we have a lie in!!!!! Woo hoo!!!!

Date: Friday 5th Sept - Day Three

Ring ring, ring ring, what the f$*k!!! Ah, alarm call. 7.00a.m., this is beginning to wear a little thin!! I'm fast becoming 'not' a morning person!! We are both a little slower than yesterday morning, and a there are a lot more groans!! We were warned by Paul Wales, who did this ride in June that Day 3 was the worst and it was looking like we weren't going to prove him wrong. As with the first two days, we threw on our shorts, under vest & sweatshirt and shuffled out to breakfast, which was a really nice spread of cereal, juices, fruit, bread, cake, meat, cheese, hang on a mo, back up a bit, CAKE? Yep, cake! Strange people the froggies! We had learnt from yesterday's breakfast that the tea was like piss so I nicked some t-bags from the caterers at lunchtime. That was the one saving grace about breakfast, a decent cup of tea. Again, neither of us could eat much, I looked around the room and there were people with their plates piled high!! We simply had some juice, cereal croissant & tea and that was that. Back to the room, slap on the old Vaseline, brush our teeth, throw on the rest of our clothes & drag the bags out to the van. We then got our bikes and reluctantly got on our way. I say reluctantly, because we were both knackered! The shine was wearing off (temporarily)! Anyway, we set off in the general direction of Beauvais, just a short 65 miles today....

Just outside Abbeville we turned of the main road to ride over the River Somme & through the battlefields which was lovely. I suddenly heard a strange rubbing noise and realised my saddle bag had come unclipped and was dragging on my wheel, in fact it melted a hole in my saddle bag!!! I should have seen the omen! Read on! It was quite windy, but dry and the group were very spread out. We got to this humongous climb, a real long slow slog! But I did it in one which really pleased me, but as I got to the top, I realised that I’d got a puncture, SHIT! What did I say about omens? Anyway as luck would have it, Jim, the team support who was I must admit very conspicuous in his absence most of the time, came driving up the hill. He changed my tube for me, not that I couldn’t have done it myself (see Day One) and with that we set of on our way.

In true DA fashion, the water stop was on a hill this time… Actually halfway down it! Mike Foley sat meditating, bless him. I was thinking how nice it would be to switch off like that when it started spitting, only lightly but spitting none the less. Anyway we didn’t sit for too long as it was cold and we didn’t want to stiffen up. We could see that at the bottom of the hill was a rather large climb too, so I asked Jim if he could give us a lift to save us from cycling up it!! He said NO?! Aw, spoil sport! So we set off again.

The clouds were looking mighty ominous now and soon we were cycling in cold rain & a head wind which turned every way we did. The only respite from the wind seemed to be when we cycled through the maize fields. I rang Izzy whilst we were riding through them and told him that we’d seen something horrible in them and we couldn’t drink the water because it was contaminated, but we did have our silver foil hats on!! Those of you who haven’t seen the film ‘Signs’, with Mel Gibson, won’t have a clue what I’m going on about. I wanted Em to go into one of the fields & I was going to video her jumping out and me screaming, then we were going to send it o John, but it was too muddy!

The rain & wind were really going for it now!! Em had a ‘hysterical’ moment, where she simply laughed! There was no point in crying! We were completely wet through, not a dry bit in sight!! But we knew that lunch wasn’t too far away, and then we only had a short ride (about 13 miles) until Beauvais. Mike caught up with us at one stage and we ‘slip streamed’ him for around a mile or so which was actually quite good fun, but we couldn’t keep up his pace or stand the constant spray from his bike hitting us it the face!

Lunch was in what would have been, had the weather been nicer, a very nice picturesque little square, but the elements kept up their relentless battering. There was nowhere dry to sit and eat, so we sat on the wet grass under a tree. The food was really welcome! Unfortunately a nice warming bowl of soup was not on the menu, but the curried pasta was once again, yummy. Everyone seemed a little flat, but that’s hardly surprising
Given the hammering we were all taking.

We set off once again on the ‘run home’ (field gun term). My god was it dismal!!! The rain & wind were relentless; we really couldn’t get any wetter or colder. Then disaster struck for the second time that day, yep another puncture! A bloody industrial staple of all things! Ah well, I was getting quite adept at changing them out now, so in no time at all we were offski. We gave the 2nd water stop a miss as there were only a few miles to do on this afternoon stretch allowing us to get to the hotel in plenty of time to have a chill out.

We had quite a ‘hairy’ ride into Beauvais. As with Abbeville, the hotel was on the opposite side of town so we had to run the gauntlet of all the French drivers, who are not the most tolerant, especially of a ‘Roast Beef’ on a pushbike!! Anyway, there were several of us in convoy, being lead by Em & I. We finally arrived at the hotel Camponile, were allocated our rooms, found our bags and headed off for a well earned bath and relax or so we thought!!

The 'Hotel' Ibis - Abbeville - Day Two

After spending around 8 hours in the saddle we arrived at Abbeville and followed the ‘orange’ arrows through the town which was a bit of an experience, to the Ibis Hotel. We knew it would be on the outskirts, because as with the water stops/hills this was hotels/outskirts. There were a few people already showered, changed and seated with beers/wine etc looking very relaxed and fresh. We were given our key & pointed in the direction of the ‘lounge’ to find our bags. I use the word lounge very loosely due to the fact that it was simply a very small room with a couple of armchairs in it! Perhaps I should have taken this in a little more I may have been ready for what came next……

The room!!!! Or should I say the shoebox!! It was tiny, couldn’t swing a cat!! No! Seriously, you couldn’t. The bathroom door opened outwards, because there wasn’t enough room for it to open inwards!! The beds were 2’6” wide so you had to get out of them to turn over!! There was a tiny wardrobe and a connecting door to the next room, where we could hear everything they were saying! But the crowning glory was the ½ bath!!! 88 miles in the saddle, aching limbs, sore arse, cold and tired, ready to relax in a hot bath of Radox muscle soak kindly supplied by Daphne (my father-in-laws partner) and we have one that I can only just get my bum into!! Em went 1st; while I sprawled on the bed then it was my turn. I had to put my legs up the wall to lie down, so my legs got cold, when I tried to sit up I got chronic cramp in my side & back, it was like a comedy film! Ah well, at least we got clean.

Once we’d cleaned up and got dressed, we headed off to the bar & a well earned drink. We walked across reception, (I wondered where Em was going?) she turned to me and said, “Do you know where the bar is?” to which I simply motioned to the corner of the reception area we’d just walked past! It was like something you used to see in peoples homes in the 70’s!! However, the beer was cold & hit the spot. We went outside to join the rest of the crew, and sat talking to some of our new found friends, Mark Wharton & Chris Drury, who we’d chatted to on the DA forum, and a cardiac doctor named Mike Foley, who was on holiday!!! He was doing a 300 mile cycle ride in 4 days for FUN!!! Barking mad if you ask me! No seriously though, he was lovely.

Dinner was great, steaming hot tureens of soup and fresh bread. Followed by lasagne & salad and then a bit of an odd apple tart tatin which would have been better a) warm & b) with cream or custard but you can’t have everything. After dinner we had our briefing for the morning, same as that day, but we could just set off as and when we were ready. Then we decided to retire to the shoebox as we were knackered.

So, Goodnight Mary Ellen, Goodnight John Boy …………………..

Date: Thursday 4th Sept - Day Two

7.00a.m. ....... Alarm Call. Have we been to sleep? Where am I? Ouch! Aargh now I remember! Same routine as day before, only not quite so energetically! I wonder why? Threw on our cycling shorts, under vest (no, not under arrest) sweatshirt and flip flops and off to brekkie! Once again, my stomach isn't quite ready for this! And the tea!!! YUK! It was like piss! Most people were a little more subdued than yesterday. We were all feeling the strain or should that be 'PAIN' of 95 miles I think. All except Tricia D! She was really buzzing.

Once we'd finished dressing, greasing, packed & thrown our bags at the vehicle, we were ready to collect our trusty steeds, cringing at the sight of the saddle and the thought of another 8 hours in it. It was also drizzling, cold & windy!! Great, it didn’t say it would be like this in the DA brochure! All the pictures are of sunny days, people in vests, laughing & joking with each other, not snarling and wrapped up in several layers! But I’ll tell you more about the DA brochure as we go along!

Jim gave us our morning brief, just a gentle 80 odd miles today!! Water stop at 23 ‘ish’ miles, I say ‘ish’ because we think they were moving them to suit themselves! So off we jolly well. Em & I got to the entrance to the hotel & no orange marker! Damo (the Goat) came up behind us and went out into the road and announced that it was ‘Right’, to which I replied (much to the amusement of the assembled throng, who were now backed up behind us scratching their heads too), ‘Not on that side of the road though!!’ I doubled back to the hotel entrance to be told it was left out the hotel and once the ‘pack’ was informed, it was all systems go. Abbeville, here we come!

The weather was miserable, and cold, it really takes all your efforts to try and motivate yourself when it’s like that and your goal still seems so far away. Em was at the front of the pack with Ox, & I finally caught up with them and we settled into the mornings work. Pretty uneventful through to the water stop, a few ‘gentle’ hills, one in particular that was a bit like a roller coaster, very undulating!, the water stop was just outside a small town where we saw our first signpost for Paris!! But we headed in the opposite direction?

Fully refreshed and carb’d up (courtesy of bananas etc) we set off towards lunch at 46 miles (hmm?) I mentioned previously, it seemed that refreshment stops were surrounded by hills, and this water stop was no exception, another ‘nice’ climb away from the town. However, the weather had started to brighten up and we were soon passing through some really stunning countryside. We kept doing impersonations of Meg Ryan in French Kiss (sorry if you haven’t seen it because the next bit will be lost on you!) and waving our arms around generally pointing at the views saying ‘Oh! Beautiful! Wish you were here!’ There were streams running by the roadside, lakes, and a stunning watermill, which every one of the group must have a picture of (see above).

Em was busting to go to the loo & needed to put some cream on her sore 'bits' (the only thing she had on her was Carmex, for chapped lips & cold sores!) so we stopped at a cafe in a village. Em went in and asked a woman if she could use the bathroom to which she replied 'NON'! Her friend who was sat with her looked at her and then at Em & said 'For money!' but the old witch wasn't having any of it and still said 'NON!' so Em had to wait until the lunch stop, which because we were checking our mileage, we knew that it was fast approaching, also, there was a bleeding great hill in front of us. So it was head down arse up and just get stuck into it!! We ‘flew’ up it, actually it wasn’t as bad as it first looked, OR we were getting used to the hills! (No, it wasn’t that bad!) Anyway we came to a crossroads only to be met by Stan the man and the lady that was riding with him, I can’t remember her name, they couldn’t find any arrows? They’d been in every direction and nothing, so whilst they were consulting the map, I called Jim to see where we were. You know what’s coming don’t you? Correct, we didn’t have to go up that bloody hill!!! Just under the railway bridge at the bottom of the hill there was a small, dirt track, with a couple of orange arrows pointing along it. We’d taken one look at the hill as we approached the railway bridge and simply dropped our heads to get up it! That’ll teach us, BUT, we weren’t the only four that did it! This made me feel much better. Lunch was literally, ½ a mile along this road!!

I must admit, I’d now worked up a real appetite, so tucked into a real feast of pasta, rice, etc AND CHOCOLATE cake!! It was gorgeous. We sat for about 30 mins then braced ourselves for the remainder of the day in the saddle. Em was feeling very sore by now and luckily I heard the magic word uttered by Dave, SUDOCREM!!! He had a pot on him so she had a dollop and toddled off to the ladies, (a clump of trees!) heeding Dave’s advice! DON’T DROP IT! Or fall over! What would be worse, saddle sores or Sudocrem with grit in it!!! OOER!!!

We set off with full tum tums & soothed bits (Em’s at least) for the afternoon section of our ride. It was lovely; we rode past some beautiful chateaus, through some gorgeous villages, exclaiming ‘Oh! Beautiful!’ very few miles!! We went past a sign in one village that had us rolling around (think we were a bit delirious by then). It actually said ‘Coq en pate’ but I said ‘Cock on pate’ with a Yorkshire accent! Why? Don’t know, it doesn’t sound so funny reading it now, you had to be there!! There was a short water stop in the afternoon, which we nearly missed. We didn’t really need to stop, but did anyway, and then pushed on to Abbeville, and the hotel only 15 miles away.

Date: Wednesday 3rd Sept - Day One

5.00 A.M!! I didn't even know there were two 5 o'clocks in the day!! What the hell was going on!!! Somehow, we dragged ourselves from our pits, grunted at each other, yawned & farted etc etc. Got dressed and went down to breakfast. Food at 5.30 in the morning!! What an awful thought. We had to eat something because we were cycling approx 95 miles that day, but food at 5.30 in the morning? That's just wrong! Dave (Bison) commented on the disco ball in the dining room, said he thought it was a nice touch to have it revolving at breakfast!! Just managed a cup of tea & to eat a bowl of cereal & a slice of toast, my stomach was objecting to being invaded at that time of day!

We sat with two girls, Sally a hairdresser from Ipswich & Jo, her client. Apparently Sally had done the Vietnam to Cambodia Cycle ride last year, and she was doing this one for an orphanage in Cambodia. She asked her client ‘Jo’ to come with her (I’ll tell you more about this later). And she said yes!! Fool!! Then we met the Legendary Stanley Saunders (we are not worthy). What a lovely man. The next hour was a bit of a blur. Labelling bags, getting suited and booted, or should I say greased and lycra’d, packed the bags, dumped them on the luggage van and went to retrieve our trusty steeds from the bike room. Everyone was in an excited mood on the Heath. Met a few more people we’d spoken to on the DA forum Tricia Dennison & the lovely Mark Wharton. We were briefed by Jim Young, who was our trip leader, to follow the ORANGE arrows which were placed at 1 mile intervals all the way to the Eiffel Tower!! If you went more than a mile without seeing one, you’d gone wrong! Simple enough! And then we were off! Only 95 miles to do………

It was a little bunched up to start off with then gradually we all started to spread out, the first hill we came too was a long slow climb and Jo, Sally’s client slowed up because she was having problems with her gears, and Sally slowed up to support her friend, whom she asked to accompany her on this trip, did she hell!!! She was off like a shot leaving her friend to sort herself out! By the way Sally was cycling in a pair of bright pink Crocs!! She said she’d hurt her foot and couldn’t wear shoes. 300 miles in Crocs? Sounds like Em’s little faux pas with the Fit Flops at Oxford!

Anyway, everything was going swimingly, or should that be cyclingly, our first big hill was just before the water stop at 26ish miles. What a bleeder that was! It was horrid, long slow climb, a real test. But we did it! At each water stop there were bananas, apples, cereal bars, fruit squash & of course, water. These were a welcome break from pedalling, didn't stop too long, just long enough to chat with Ox & Bison, & Stan the Man, then it was offski, lunch was at 45 miles.

We took in the beautiful countryside of the North Downs and were clipping along nicely when one of our fellow riders passed us and said two words that put fear and dread into our very souls..... DODDINGTON HILL!!!! Everyone on the ride knew about it. Some had even tried it before and failed, surely it couldn't be that bad!! Oh it wasn't, it was much worse!!!! We walked it and even that hurt! I think everyone walked it at some point. It went on for ever & ever amen! Then to add insult to injury, about 2 miles from lunch I had a puncture! Bugger! Still, one of us is trained in changing tubes, and it's not Em!! We arrived at lunch, which was in Doddington Village Hall, we had a very welcome cup of tea, then food, and lots of it!! Pasta, rice, bread, potatoes, cheese, ham. Yum yum. Then off again, next water stop at 70 miles (I think).

The Kent countryside is lovely, loads of orchards too, couldn't quite reach the apples though, or we'd have done a bit of scrumping. By now the bottom was getting a little numb and the legs a tad weary, but being the troopers we are, it was ever onwards. The water stop was on a lovely village green, but we were now aware that water & lunch stops meant hills!! Either before or after. The latter was correct in this case. A rather cheeky 'little' climb, but we managed it none the less and then it was 15 miles to Dover. Hoorah!

As we approached Dover a man was standing by his car in a lay by and as we went by he wished us good luck which we thought was lovely, we later found out it was Mark W's Dad. He'd come to get picture of him en-route.

Dover was a very welcome sight! The 'White' cliffs (a little grey if you ask me) heralding the start of the Channel. We were delayed by 90 minutes because Sea France were down by one boat, apparently one of them had backed into the dock the day before!! fills you with confidence!!! Anyway we eventually boarded and rushed to the restaurant where we devoured lasagne, chips and coke. Was it nice? I don't know, it didn't even touch the sides!

Whilst at the port we were given Hi-Vis vests as they said the light 'would be fading' when we got to Calais. Ha Ha Ha!! It was pitch black! We had to cycle, in convoy, behind a land rover, on the wrong side of the road, to our hotel. Not funny. It was about 5 miles and not enjoyable at all. The saving grace was it was a lovely hotel, Holiday Inn, very comfy beds, and a hot bath to soak in. We had a hot chocolate, fell into bed, chatted for a little while about the days activities and the prospect of another day in the saddle and fell into a very welcome sleep. Day One - London to Calais - Done....

Date: Tuesday 2nd Sept 2008. Place: Clarendon Hotel, Blackheath, London

Grant dropped Em & I off about 7.30 p.m. at the Clarendon Hotel. Very dated hotel, looked a little like something from a Victoria Wood sketch (Two soups!), in fact I was expecting candlewick bedspreads, but it was somewhere to sleep (or so I thought) before the off. We eventually found our room after having a real laugh doing Lee Evans impersonations about the different floor levels & stairs.

We dumped our bags and headed for the bar to order some food & drink. It was quite funny (looking back now) because we were eyeing people up trying to decide who was doing the ride and who wasn’t. We both observed that there were some ‘very’ skinny women! Bitches! But then a girl went to the bar who we decided was most definitely NOT doing the ride! We then spotted ‘The Ox’ ‘The Bison (or baby Ox)’ & ‘The Goat’ who we’d been ‘introduced’ to on the DA forum. Two of them were quite easy to spot being ‘big’ chaps, I say big in the nicest possible sense. Anyway we introduced ourselves to Mark, Dave & Damo.

After a brief chat with the guys, Em & I decided it was time to get some sleep!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!! That’s the sound of hysterical laughter!! If Em thrashed around, huffed & puffed once, then she did it a thousand times!! I don’t know how I kept my hands off her (probably coz I was so tired too!)

Then the alarm call came. It was 5.00a.m.!!!!

My Jersey